You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize