Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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