I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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