3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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