I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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