since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
