How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
