I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
