no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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