So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
