I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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