sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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