they need to just BURY HIM!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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