Your dad touched me again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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