I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
