literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
