I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
