I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
