Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just tell him i said nine months
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
