I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
