Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
