so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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