You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think my tv is drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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