3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize