smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
