I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Drake has all the answers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
