you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
