Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
