I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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