whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
