i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
