Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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