dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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