you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
