Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
