I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
