you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
