The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
