you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
