I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
