Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
