Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
