I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
