don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
