Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
