Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
