My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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