I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
