Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
