So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
