is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
