I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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