Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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