just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
