Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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