dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
