I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
