Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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