I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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